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| xanga is a place where people announce their lives in the public and tell them not to tell anyone else. Its a weird thing. its like, why would I want to read my diary to everyone in the world. i was one of those earlier in my life, not much earlier, like 2, 3 years ago. and then when i got to middlebury i stopped being so concerned about announcing my life to the public and about how my friends think about it. i stopped writing basically. so people stopped reading it and thats why i started writing it again coz then i ll just write things for myself. i like this feeling that i am only typing to myself so much. i hated when i was typing like i was talking to the world. its not everything i write in my diary anyways.
so the trip started off pretty bad but so far its been going pretty well. i was able to fly off Burlington on the next day which was a sunday when the storm got a little calmer. Ben was still Ben, pretty weird conversation on our way to the airport. It was just impossible to guess what on earth is going on in this guy's head. though its in some kind of reciprocal benefits, he was still nice to do that. so i got to denvor that night at 8.30pm colorado time. which i stupidly thought it was vermont time and i got soo impatient on the plane whining all the way why the plane is not fucking getting there. anyways, it was just me being stupid. but in any case, i got to denvor and finally saw Danielle and met her brother Tyler. he's 16. but i have to say he's pretty cute, not that i am thinking of anything. anyways, he's cool. and then i met her mum that night too just briefly. her mum is that kind of woman who doesnt know and just doesnt have the talent for a natural and good smile. so it was pretty scary at the beginning.
yesterday Danielle's mum took us to Denvor. she was nice, bought me lunch and took me around. I regretfully, (and I know yuuchan would definitely scold me to death for that) purchased two jackets...i felt bad but at the same time, i was like, hey! I havent got anything for myself since i cant even remember when. last christmas when i was home i guess. so i ve been wearing the same stuff all year around...like everyday coz i have not much really. and i feel like i should treat myself after working hard both in school and at work for a semester! so yea, i did it. but its fair enough. yuuchan will still be mad though. at night we went to Dan's dad's house, where he lives with his new family - his wife monica, and his two sweeties rachel and seth. seth is soooo adorable. he's one of those kids who's not afraid of strangers and just got really close to me real quick. and he was like climbing onto me to watch tv and almost fell asleep on me. he's so sweet. love him. gotta go back and hug him more. dan's father's a nice big man. he's one of those soldiers that got deported to iraq. he just came home after a year there. her grandma is also this cool nice lady. she loves to talk, and that reminded me of my own grandma, who loves to talk to her children and grandchildren and all she wants is you to listen. so i was used to it and i missed it. she's like a grandma from a totally different part of the world though, interesting experiences.
today we went hiking in one of colorado's reservoirs called Rampart. Dan's mum was really nice and she got me all the warm clothing and boots that keep me warm the whole trip. her friend kevin went with us too. we had pretzels with German cheese for lunch after about 2 hours of hiking. that was a blast, really good. then we went back to dan's mum's house to help decorate the christmas tree. Dan's mum made us chai tea and nice star-shaped cookie with santa clause decorations on. it was really sweet. and in general her mum's been opening up to me a little more. i mean, she was nice from the beginning but like she would treat me like i was an outsider or stranger, which, I WAS. But you arent exactly supposed to make your guest feel that right? so i was much enstranged. but as time passes i guess she opens up a little more. she's nice. a responsible mother for sure. tyler and danielle said she's not a mother figure. i say she is. she takes care of her children really well and even just that i really admire. its hard to be a mother. anyways, then we went to kevin's house for dinner. It was great. hes a good cook. so we were extremely full after dinner. and just sat on the couch watched three episodes of "project runway" straight in a row. it was a good tv show though. i like it. then we got really tired and came back. it was a good day.
except, upon all these amazing hospitality i am experiencing, my hearts always wandering. if anything happens it ll be devastating to my life, whatever i ll be doing. and please dont. please come back safe.
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| got back on campus at 1 after my flight got cancelled and 4 hours of waiting at the airport. Well, at least I have my own bed tonight and not a strange bed in a random hotel in Burlington for 120/night. Hopefully..(and really crossing my fingers right here right now) I can get to Denvor tomorrow. omg, my trip started off with such bad beginning...hopefully it ll get smoothier and smoothier as it goes. I am really excited for Mexico :) Never been there but it seems like a really cool city. Maybe i should do some more research tonight. it might be just me trying to comfort myself but its actually not that bad to get back here. I have my own room, my own bed; i got to do my dirty laundry that I was supposed to do after i get back here and rearrange my luggage; I got to see some people whom I had no time to say bye before I leave; I got a free ride tomorrow to the airport (although, in return i have to tutor him 2 hours of Japanese for his final exam, but that's a good deal i think); I got some more time to be with myself and enjoy the solitude that i feared and loved and forgot and remembered; i got some time to write my diary which i havent done for quite a while.
i was thinking of this past semester last night. and was thinking that, i really spent most of my time with yuuchan. I bet it ll be about 40% of all of my time...other 50% for studying and dancing..and maybe only like 10% for my personal time or time with other friends...this has become almost an addiction... sometimes I was really desperate to get some time away from yuuchan, time that i can have for my own, either be with myself or my friends whom i really havent seen for a whole semester. I did feel restricted sometimes; i did want freedom. I definitely had hard times with it. but at the same time...i dont know what to do.
i am amazed at how many things had happened on me this semester relationship-wise even though i didnt spend much time with other people in other places. But really complicated shit just piled up...i guess it was also because I changed and became much more liberal on a lot of things. and shit just happened...academic-wise it was really not as challenging as the past semesters, maybe i am just not paying much attention to it this semester really. dancing is still good. But i dont know about how i feel about Simon joining us in the company in January. Tiffany definitely adores him that's with no question. I am really amazed at how much the dance department and the professors are doing for him. i know he's gonna do it and become a dancer. and I have no idea where on earth i'll be and what i'll be doing...arrgh whatever, i ll think about it in January. We gotta figure out our weird relationship because otherwise the duet's not gonna miraculously come together. this is the thing about dancing a duet together its like...such honest revelation of the relationship between the partners not only on stage but in real life. i think a lot of the dynamics between us had built on the dynamics between us in real life. and having to clarify that relationship in such honest way is just unpredictable and scary. in general, most respect from the guys in company will be highly appreciated. I dont feel much right now honestly. haa..
whining whining whining.
J-term is gonna be epic and then i am gone to tokyo and have an absolutely new and amazing life there. i can do it, beautifully. | | |
| That night we had a really good conversation, probably one that I have long been yearned for.
I cried, cried and cried until my eyes were all swollen and painful. I like emotions. Or rather, I prioritize the expression of emotions and I believe in the truthfulness of human interaction in the process. Nonetheless, this truthfulness is often inhibited or suppressed in modern social cultures because of social hierachy, expectations of self to be "cool" and "strong", or simply because it would block the flow of social life and make things less smooth. and that makes me almost kind of aggressive in ignoring those social restrictions and express what I truely feel at most times.
and satomi raised an interesting question.
should we suppress our emotions in front of really important people or in really important occasions?
should we feel free to express our emotions in front of people who we dont really care or in situations that dont really matter?
Can we also suppress our emotions in front of people and situations that are not important to us?
and can we have the freedom to express our emotions in front of important people and situations?
To answer the questions with reference to what we call "socially smart", its pretty easy.
but to answer the question as an individual constantly thinking about and challenging self and life, I then ask, why do things have to be that way?
but at the same time, I do care about how I make other people feel when I am expressing my emotions. Do I have the right to make them feel that way? Being in a social environment, I do have the responsibility for superimposing my emotions and therefore influencing the emotions of other people, doesnt matter they are rich, poor, important, not important, close to me or not. They are all humans, and therefore have their basic human rights.
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| i mean..maybe its less complicated as I was thinking. It was just the wrong people (absolutely wrong wrong wrong esp. for one of them) and wrong time - Monday night with quite a huge stack of reading and work piled up for the week. I was a little tired and, maybe still not to the extent of stressed, but just didnt have the mood to play badminton...
I was coloring my anatamy diagram book and as I raised my head from the book, I saw the blue piece of paper that I got from Kathy with the quotes of Dr. Maya Angelou in her 72 year-old birthday:
"You can tell a lot about a person by observing the way he/she handles these three things:
a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas lights."
By observing my reaction when dealing with two out of these three things this summer in Florida, I learned a lot about myself. I was amazed by how satomi could be so chilled and carefree while I could feel my irritation rising up and down in my body. These college years I learned to loosen my grib on a lot of things, and realized in fact loosening gives you much more control. Control over my own emotions; control over the situation. I started to see a lot more interesting things happening in my creative process when I know how to loosen and play. and I am still working on bringing this notion into other things that I do. | | |
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